Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
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I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
Ate a whole box of donuts. But I ate them *really* fast so hopefully that counts as a workout and balances out the calories.
McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.
And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
Wait – my gym moved?
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.