@offbeatoliv

I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.

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@ChicksRule

Professor X: what’s your superpower?

Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met

Professor whatshisname: get out

@better_off_dad2

I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…

…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.

@Sirrruh

Ate a whole box of donuts. But I ate them *really* fast so hopefully that counts as a workout and balances out the calories.

@Parkerlawyer

McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.

And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.

@AndyAsAdjective

*see Shawshank on TV guide*

Wife: Don’t do it

*picks up remote*

W: I said don’t do it

*turns TV to Shawshank*

W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES

@climaxximus

[doing a crossword]

friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony

me: baby horse

friend: no like fake

me: unicorn jr

@QwertyJones3

[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.

@RobbyRob313

When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.