Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

FOOD HACK: If you are at a restaurant tell the server “I would like two beers and fries” and they will bring you an order of fries and also two beers. This works at most restaurants.

My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along

My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”

I am so proud.

I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington

The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*

[Next Night]

Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit

They say college doesn’t prepare you for real life but it taught me how to get vomit out of practically anything and as a parent that’s literally my most valuable skill

i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.

“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*

mamma mia! is such a fascinating paradox… italian phrase as its name, it takes place in greece. the songs are from a swedish band. british supporting cast, living around greek people, and the main characters have american accents. no one knows how to sing, but everyone is drunk

ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea

Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka

INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?

ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments

Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.

My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants

My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.

On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.

INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control

When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.

Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?

Me: I LOVE STAR WARS

BF: which was your fav

Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone

My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.

So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.

Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop

AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?

“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.

14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.

MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH

HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it

When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.

The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks

don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to

The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.

Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor

*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”

Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace