Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: my car makes a funny noise

mechanic: that’s the horn

Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.

Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.

“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”

“Sir, this is a cheese counter”

I 100% subscribe to this philosophy

i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything

Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.

My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.

Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]

Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.

The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.

If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!

tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win

PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?

Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”

No! Abort! Abort!!

I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.

I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.

GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM

[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it

My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.

me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?

murderer: yeah sure sorry

My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up

I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.

I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.

Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes

we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy

Kid: *from the back seat* Daddy, when a snowflake gets made, how does one side know what the other side looks like?

Me: It’s because…holy shit

Kid: You just ran that stop sign

Me: Shut up give me a second

I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.

Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and

Who called it cremation and not ashashination

We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.