I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
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Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
I have so many questions.
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
Dry Turkey isn’t the problem, you need to make more saliva.
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥