I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
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My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
[adds another nod to the conversation]
Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
So many people out there need a grilled cheese cut diagonal and ten thousand dollars cash right now
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance