I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
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I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
The moment Alan realised that maybe he’s not really suited to emotional support dog work after all.
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
“what’s your ideal vacation?”
dropping my family off at the airport and going back home alone for 7 days.
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
Why do meteors always land in craters?
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.