I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
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Throwing a baby shower isn’t actually that hard. For a start, it’s much lighter than a regular shower.
Patient: When I broke my hip, you were there for me.
When I fell, you were there for me.
When I got MRSA you were there for me. And now that I’m dying, here you are again. Do you know what I think of that?
Me: What?
Patient: I think you’re bad luck!
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
*toweling off sweat from my brow, slamming a Gatorade, deep breath*
“Thank you for holding, were you able to turn it off and back on again?”
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”