I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
You Might Also Like
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
My husband says he doesn’t understand why I hate grocery shopping so much, because he doesn’t mind it. And by “grocery shopping,” he means a quick run to the store for ice cream, treats, and snacks. You know, the “essentials.”
i love meeting boys on tinder
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
I believe the plural is “milves.”
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave