@TheNYAMProject

I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.

I am not a smart woman.

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@DecantAndPour

I drink a glass of red wine a day for health benefits.
The other 7 glasses are just for me.

@ibid78

After I undress you with my eyes I redress you with my eyes because it’s still January so it’s super cold out and I have considerate eyes.

@Marlebean

I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.

@curlymalloy

An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!

@bornmiserable

Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.

@Tmoney68

BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.

Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.

@beefman138

Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.

I passed with flying carpets.

@Underchilde

If I ever commit suicide, I wanna jump off a cliff w/an open umbrella so people wonder if I thought it would bring me safely to the ground.

@STOTLE

What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?

@GaryJanetti

Before you tell me anything about your kid you should know I’m going to mentally leave my body.