I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.

I am not a smart woman.

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I drink a glass of red wine a day for health benefits.
The other 7 glasses are just for me.


After I undress you with my eyes I redress you with my eyes because it’s still January so it’s super cold out and I have considerate eyes.


I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.


An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!


Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.


BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.

Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.


Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.

I passed with flying carpets.


If I ever commit suicide, I wanna jump off a cliff w/an open umbrella so people wonder if I thought it would bring me safely to the ground.


What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?


Before you tell me anything about your kid you should know I’m going to mentally leave my body.