I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
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SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room