I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
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me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?
CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard
OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7
CEO: first of all, promoted
[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
real
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.