I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
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Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
this article brought to you by lions
I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Archaeology.
Silent letters are really out there squeezing into words like “don’t worry I’ll be quiet you won’t even know I’m here”
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
Rapunzel! Let down your CVS receipt.
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
I’m old, but I’m not against new music. Have you guys heard of The Police? They’re awesome