I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
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Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
waiter: want to hear our lunch specials?
me: sure
waiter: we have a caesar salad, clam chowder, or club sandwich
me: those things are on the normal menu
waiter: yes but right now you can get them $18
me: they’re usually $12
waiter: today they’re special
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
How did we decide to go with cockpit?