I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
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took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
[rap battle]
me: i do suck. i do sit in my house and watch youtube videos all day. i do get scared when i hear a loud noise
my opponent: dude i wasn’t going to say any of that shit. are you ok
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
[My first day as an architecture major]
*raises hand*
When are we going to learn how to build gingerbread houses?
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
say hello: the new iphone will be able to make phone calls
Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*