Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.

Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.

Send wine and bail money.

Cooking a roast dinner is much better than having one cooked for you, because you can eat pretty much a whole extra serving while you’re making it. For instance, I just “tested” three roast potatoes. Next I’m going to test a Yorkshire pudding.

Me: We’re swimming in debt

Wife: It’s fine

Me: The kids are going nuts

Wife: They’re fine

Me: You haven’t had a break in months

Wife: I’m fine

Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means

Wife: I’M FINE

Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.

Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.

Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.

Whoa. I guess one dude quit:

Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.

Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail

Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY

Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…

…because chaos.

Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating

Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.

We couldn’t come up with anything better than “open-face” to describe a sandwich without a top? Open-face is what happens when you encounter a bear in the woods.

If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.

Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.

You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.

I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.

“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.

Not many talk about it anymore, ever since they dropped the sport as “not Olympic enough,” “undignified and stupid,” and “Who the hell let him in here again?” but I was proud to represent the US at the ’56 Winter Games in Men’s Pillow-Fighting.

“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”

But we’re in love!

“It is forbidden!”

*whale elopes with submarine*

[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”

*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*

A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged

My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.

When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.

I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.

obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls

If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.

I can’t imagine having Justin Timberlake money and driving drunk I wouldn’t even drive sober lmao