I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
You Might Also Like
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
my favorite kind of post right now is the reply that goes “i do not believe that a politician, of all people, would say one thing publicly and another thing privately”
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
I’m taking a group of 9yos to the water park today. My wife said “just try not to lose any of em” if you’re wondering about her confidence in my parenting skills.
Anyway if anyone’s seen a boy in sponge bob swim trunks please let me know thanks.
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
It was my idea to make parking meters unreadable when the sun is out. I don’t get any money out of it, but I’m proud of my contribution.
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
my son ordering a “well done” steak bc he thought it meant they would do a better job
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
