Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I would probably have too much fun as a mortician asking customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking” as opposed to “Cremation” or “Burial”.

My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food

batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them

alfred: right

batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown

Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.

Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still

I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.

More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.

And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.

So cis people are super normal

Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless

2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.

pirate: shiver me timbers

me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*

Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism

drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee

21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one

You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person

I used to work for a large pharmaceutical company. I used to host a load of fake meetings in the nice meeting room, just so me and my colleagues could have a free coffee and biscuits.

dentist: have you been flossing?

me: yes 🙂

dentist: your mouth?

me: no 🙁

“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”

-Disney’s Frozen

I paused the movie to tweet this…

Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!

Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.

I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.

Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions

I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.

I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…

if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.

Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.

Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.

I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.

When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible

a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”

Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list

Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.

*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*