Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!

Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.

<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?

me: no

[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps

My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.

I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged

I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.

I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:

Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.

I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.

Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”

There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.

It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.

just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie

Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.

[first day as a lion tamer]

me: don’t worry i totally researched this…

ring master: um ok

me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING

Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?

[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.

“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.

Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.

Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.

I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.

My tenant and his wife got into a huge fight last week and filed for divorce. He said “I’m bringing her Christmas gift back” then proceeded to drag a WRAPPED mop out the door and now I want to know more about this fight.

no

ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.

Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”

A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.

He’s an artificial sweetner.

My husband is the do-it-yourself type. I asked him to take out the garbage and he said, “do it yourself.”

I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.

*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?

*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*

I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —

Murderer:

Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?

Me: 69.

Interviewer: That’s not even close.

Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?

[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*