I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
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the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
got so much cardio in today
Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
#Caturday
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.