@causticbob

I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.

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@_correctomundo

I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.

@VestaTot

There’s a little girl’s voice that sings lullabies in my guest room closet but don’t mind her; she died years ago. Here’s your blanket.

@CoreyKeyz

Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.

@3sunzzz

My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.

@AngelaEhh

Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?

@momTruthBomb

If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.

@CherBear162

There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.

@68Cly29

I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.

To let me know when I am wrong.

@TheToddWilliams

SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?

SCARECROW:Oh I forgot

SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…

SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it

@Not_YourDentist

Dentist: So, Alexa, how often do you floss?

Alexa [nervously]: L-l-low batttterrrrrrryyyyyyyyyyy