I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It's true. After going to the gym earlier I've decided I'm never going again.

I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.

I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.

There’s a little girl’s voice that sings lullabies in my guest room closet but don’t mind her; she died years ago. Here’s your blanket.

Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.

My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.

Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?

If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.

There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.

I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.

To let me know when I am wrong.

SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?

SCARECROW:Oh I forgot

SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…

SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it

Dentist: So, Alexa, how often do you floss?

Alexa [nervously]: L-l-low batttterrrrrrryyyyyyyyyyy

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