@Reverend_Scott
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
@causticbob
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
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@Reverend_Scott
@ShellHasDragons
Due to my diabetic meds, I’ve lost significant weight everywhere except my face cheeks. I’m officially a squirrel.
@RxitWounds
[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle
@Tmoney68
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
@Megatronic13
Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
@C00LpenNAME
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
@MUMSIEesq
Pro Tip:
Do not let your kids push that red button in the elevator. The fire department will NOT think its adorable.
@papasuncle
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
@ddsmidt
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
@buttgh0st
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake