@causticbob

I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.

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@Reverend_Scott

[Apple meeting]

We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.

“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”

Too honest, Carl.

@ShellHasDragons

Due to my diabetic meds, I’ve lost significant weight everywhere except my face cheeks. I’m officially a squirrel.

@RxitWounds

[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle

@Tmoney68

Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.

@Megatronic13

Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her

Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?

Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really

Me: why are you on her laptop?

Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now

@C00LpenNAME

[at Home Depot]

Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye

Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?

Me: our dog died

Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…

Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody

@MUMSIEesq

Pro Tip:
Do not let your kids push that red button in the elevator. The fire department will NOT think its adorable.

@papasuncle

Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.

@ddsmidt

I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.

@buttgh0st

“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake