I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
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“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
Robot bartender rips me in half after listening to my problems for over an hour.
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Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
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i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.