I was told that I look like the kind of person that loves playing tetris and I just don’t know how to take that
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There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
Tonight I will make history!
Turns off incognito mode
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
Skip intro
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.