I was told that I look like the kind of person that loves playing tetris and I just don’t know how to take that
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*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
That’s what I call a flat tire
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.