I was told that I look like the kind of person that loves playing tetris and I just don’t know how to take that
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I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
Rare photo of two submarines racing
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
Guys which shade of gery should I get
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
Putting my Christmas tree up today. Big day for my cats
the nation is so divided we need another Cut essay to bring us together
one time i asked the guy i was dating at the time if he would still love me if i was a worm and he said ‘no but i would build u a terrarium and make sure ur safe and also so u could see the girl i date after :)’ and it caused a huge fight lol
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
Our doorbell is broken so we called someone over to fix it. He might be here already. There’s no way to tell.
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.