Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.

Jimmy Fallon:

Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*

Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great

Selfie

When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.

My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank

My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.

My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.

Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.

During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.

I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.

I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist

My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all

breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title

[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house

when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud

Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”

I am just a man.

Standing in front of a cat.

Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.

Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime

one time i asked the guy i was dating at the time if he would still love me if i was a worm and he said ‘no but i would build u a terrarium and make sure ur safe and also so u could see the girl i date after :)’ and it caused a huge fight lol

With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.

911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead

Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”

Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants

I still have a landline…

or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder

My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice

I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful

Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.

I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?

If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you

The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.

Cunts love it when you call them that.