I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
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I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
Bf dropped his head for a full 30 seconds of silence bc he was explaining the stock market crash to me and I sagely supplied “it’s because mercury went into retrograde yesterday”
the last time how i met your mother was on netflix i binge watched it instead of going to class and almost got kicked out of college. its dangerous! beware!
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
Follow me for more exotic Minnesota cuisine
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
we did it you guys we saved daylight
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
