I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
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I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
They say do one thing every day that scares you, which is why every single day, I get a colonoscopy
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
on da cob, we all corn
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
If you innocently act like you don’t know, people will explain dirty words to you and it’s hilarious.
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.