Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.

It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.

[pushing my son in his stroller]

Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?

Me: 35

Stranger: I was talking to him

Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.

WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!

WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF

Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?

Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.

“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”

-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.

Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.

My wife was doing her morning crossword and asked…

“Where is Dakar” And I answered… “in da garage”.

When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.

When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.

There’s always that one guy

9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.

Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.

9: But then you got better?

Me: No. I got spell check.

cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉

me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”

cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”

me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”

Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”

We need to move

[Pulls away from kissing]

So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?

Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”

{watching a horror movie}

SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!

ME: I’ll take it

AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here

ME: perfect

please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s

I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”

Cop: Admit it! You killed that family

Murderer: You can’t prove anything…

Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing

[day 7 of quarantine]

zzz
　＜⌒／ヽ-､_＿
／＜_/＿＿＿＿／
￣￣￣￣￣￣￣

　　　∧_∧　oh no
　　 (　･ω･) im late for work
　 ＿|　⊃／(＿＿_
／　└-(＿＿＿_／
￣￣￣￣￣￣￣

　＜⌒／ヽ-､_＿ lol
／＜_/＿＿＿＿／
￣￣￣￣￣￣￣

Just shared my screen in a business meeting, and realised that my desktop was showing a google search for “where did Scrooge McDuck get his money?”

Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.

My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”

Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.

It’s. Just. Tea.

spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is

My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot

me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately

doctor: can you give me an example

me: of what

I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face

Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.