Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?

Me: *never blinks again*

Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”

Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.

Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?

can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets

When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume

“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.

People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.

One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.

“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”

Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver

I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.

Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.

Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!

“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.

The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.

THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.

But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…

[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?

“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*

Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:

1. You have something you want to do.

2. You write code to do it.

3. The code doesn’t work.

4. You fix the mistakes.

5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.

6. You fix the idea.

7. Goto 2.

Men go to bars for 2 reasons:

1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.

2) They have a wife to go home to.

Me in 2022: when will my child talk

My child in 2024: WELL MOMMY DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT I AM FINKING NOW? I AM FINKING ABOUT MR. WOGERS WENT TO THE ZOO AND SAW A PANDA. IT IS DARK. MOMMY WE SHOULD GET A WANTERN FOR OUR PORCH. AND A VERY SHORT STORY IS ONCE UPON A TIME THE END

Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification

“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist

“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor

Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…

2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad

[while house is on fire]

Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.

Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?

F: but the house is on fire.

Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.

My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.

Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.

Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?