I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
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I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
January 1st: anything is possible
January 2nd: but not today
Ooops wrong house😂😜
So single the neighborhood cats make ME dinner
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
why is my brain passive aggressive to me?
like, don’t make me feel nauseous after eating too much ice cream when you’re the one that decided we should eat the ice cream
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that