I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
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Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
doing some research
Nothing to do, you say?
Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
Me: Why don’t you ride your bike to practice and save me the trip?
13-year-old: I can’t. It’s too far.
Me: You ride twice that far when you go to your friend’s house.
13: I can only go that far if it’s for fun.
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.