I was trying to catch a cricket in the house this morning and was yelling at it, “I know this is scary, but stop struggling I’m trying to help you!” Probably the same thing the universe is always yelling at me.
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I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
