I was trying to catch a cricket in the house this morning and was yelling at it, “I know this is scary, but stop struggling I’m trying to help you!” Probably the same thing the universe is always yelling at me.
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YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
*aggressively waits in line*
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.