I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
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My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
dad just confused an episode of full house with a memory of our actual family and I had to be like no that wasn’t us you watched that on full house
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
[me on a first date] Neil Armstrong backwards is Gnorts Mr Alien
Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust