I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
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*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
Patient “GO TO HELL”
Me: Sure. Can I get you anything while I’m there?
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.
I feel like one of these would kill a European
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]