I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
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I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien
therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources
bezos: so that i can build my spaceship
therapist:
bezos: *licks eyeball*
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
This made me chuckle cuz mood