I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
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Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
Guilty! 🤪
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
my friend came out to her parents first because she didn’t want to choose her new name and she “liked their work the first time”
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.