I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
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News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
Doctor answering his door: sorry kid I ordered 100 but they sent me a 1000
Trick or treating teen: ewwww a stool sample kit!?!
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
me: do you think he’ll ever walk again
wife: [recording baby’s first steps] yes
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.
You ever go to a baseball game and hear a guy yelling, “hotdogs! hotdogs!” over and over again?
That’s me, looking for hotdogs.