Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.

Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.

Waiter: how does the chicken taste?

Me: WITH ITS TONGUE

Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.

ME: Let’s go get some chicks

[later]

FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind

ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe

No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.

6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was

Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything

Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-

Me:

H: Your mom is very smart

I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.

Her face will be on currency one day.

“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”

Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?

My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.

Stick it to the man

A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.

[every game of Words with Friends with me]

Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points

Me: plays POO for 6

Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.

Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.

Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine

Me today: 2pm time for bed

“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.

Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?

9-year-old: My coolest shirt.

Me: What about the second day?

9: My coolest shirt again.

I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.

Round 2… FIGHT

– me, handing one tablet to both kids

Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!

I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck

[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?

why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford

I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.

Just a reminder, folks:

When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.

The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.

[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)

4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go

DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-

MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?

DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.

You miss 100% of the curbs you don’t take.