Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.

HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes

MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed

They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.

Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.

“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”

THEM: are you willing to take a drug test

ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down

*wakes up screaming*

Wife: What happened??

Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.

Wife: Silly that’s impossible.

Me: The flying leopard part?

Wife: No, the part about you jogging.

If someone tells you to go fuck yourself, just get up and quietly leave the room and return in 7 minutes. They’ll always wonder….

I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min

“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby

Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars

Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick

he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts

Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago

[dinner at fergie’s house]

fergie: what do you think of the food i made?

me: it’s ok

fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?

My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡

Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.

Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.

Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”

Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”

It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying

Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.

[childbirth]

me: are you ok?

wife: IT’S AGONY!

me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY

Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond

[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless

If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.

Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?

You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.

I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.

Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.

Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.