Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.

playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”

ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain

[At the funfair]

*Fire alarm sounds*

Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.

Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.

My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”

Me:……….

If you’re going to stare all night and not say hello, do you mind taking your fingers and squishing my head from across the room?

Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”

The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.

I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.

Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One

[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS

The joke is on this spin class instructor.

My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.

Ya’ll i really thought @iamcardib wore a swim/bathing suit only to realize it’s the bald headed man 🥴

Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?

My first rodeo and my last rodeo were the same rodeo.

Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.

Me: “I’d like to copy and paste from this pdf please”

Adobe Acrobat: “no worries, I took the liberty of stacking each word on top of each other in a vertical column, adding mysterious symbols, and removing every instance of the letter ‘t'”

*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*

my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it

who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function

Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.

Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.

Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.

Me: I look cute today.

Camera: No.

Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying

I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO

911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]

asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss

Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner