Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf

I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me

Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.

11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O

Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”

If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.

First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.

Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better

Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.

Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.

very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.

As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.

[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]

Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you

Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.

Not to brag, but in school I was voted “Most Likely to Cling to Past Achievements”

Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.

If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.

‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputy

THINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriff

THINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your hand

THINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for love

THINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’

Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”

The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable

We’re all getting idioter.

I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.

These quiet electric cars are really annoying… I have to stop scrolling and look up while walking outside now!

Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap

4-year-old: I am

Me: Then why are you standing here?

4-year-old:

Me:

4-year-old: This is a dream

She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.

Attention fat vegans:

Explain.

*trains 1 million soldier ants*

*gets carried to work*

I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call

Sorry, I left in a separate car when you suggested a romantic drive.
Husband: …

I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.