Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*

Bouncer: you still can’t go in

Checkmate, Flat Earthers

My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.

No one:

My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.

Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap

*checks Timeline*…

I didn’t know they can drive…

You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.

me other days of the year: amazon is evil

me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??

I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”

[spelling bee]

Judge: Your word is McConaughey

McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?

Judge: We have no idea

I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.

Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.

Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.

Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.

Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.

[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*

Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.

cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell

[Dracula bites a pig]

Me: ohhhhh, hampire

DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.

Me: I’m a programmer.

Person 1: “make my website pls”

Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”

Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”

Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”

Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”

Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.

My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.

When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.

escape room employee: would you like a hint?

me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen

Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.

Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.

Update: going to a party where you don’t know the people is like seeing a movie sequel when you didn’t see the original.

You can still have a good time but you don’t really know what’s going on

#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌

Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.

Mortician: Please put that back.