I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
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Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
As a kid: I can’t wait to stay up late and no one can tell me when to go to bed
Me at 41: ope my fitness device just said it’s bedtime. I better go.
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
Any room can be an escape room when you have diarrhea
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
who named him groot and not spruce lee
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
(about to write the most famous lullaby of all time) im gonna go tell the baby he’s gonna fall out of a tree
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
Most people call Fall soup weather or sweater weather, but I prefer to call it electric bill goes down weather.