Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.

If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.

Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese

11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.

He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.

This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.

I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.

when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.

me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***

*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms

My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.

Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?

Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!

Hubs: You treat me like a child

Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.

I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen

My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!

I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years

The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard

Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.

Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…

Secondary school me: my speech is abou….

My guys at the back:

FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.

one time in med school a doctor I was working with said he would only learn my name if I got all of his anatomy questions correct (???)

so I said I would only learn his name if he got all of my pokemon questions correct

Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this

*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”

*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”

I just turned on my car’s seat warmer to keep my Chipotle order warm in case you wondered how seriously I take Taco Tuesday.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle

⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜

😭😭

I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”

my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password

With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013

The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.

I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.