I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
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As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
[wedding vows]
Me: I vow to make sure you see the brake lights ahead of us.
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
The journey of a thousand miles begins with stealing your neighbor’s car
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.