I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]
EARTH: yo
GOD: what?
EARTH: send nudes
GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*
EARTH: nice
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
When they try to steal your moment.
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
lol
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
“Your tattoos will look dumb when you’re older” buddy, I look dumb right now. My tattoos have a lot of catching up to do
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
Happy Alien Day. Did you know aliens do not abduct people, but they’re very fond of socks and Tupperware lids.
