I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
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Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
For the first half of my life, I thought you could only poop at home. Now I know you can poop anywhere
– my 5yo, unprompted
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
A song I wrote for the happy couple: “Julie, Letting You Go Was Without A Doubt the Biggest Mistake of My Life.”
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.