I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
Me too, bag. Me too….
Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
a depressed madame curie is a sighentist.
i’m having this made into a welcome mat
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
Friendly reminder people are still stupid no matter who they vote for
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
it may seem bad right now, but at least everyone is armed. and completely unhinged.
