Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.

Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!

Top 5 Zones

5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal

“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto

We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”

Fun Fact:

Cat burglars have the highest recidivism of any criminal. As soon as they get out of prison, they want back in. And back out, and back in, and back out…

hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.

Me: Can I leave early today?

Boss: No.

Me: Can you leave early then?

Boss: What?

Me: What?

Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*

[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO

Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon

Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao

20s: I want to see the world!

40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.

[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”

The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.

ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building

Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*

Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.

Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.

Roadkill is just a goth zoo

YOLO!

Jesus: Hold my wine!

Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?

I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.

I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.

[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!

Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can

Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy

I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.

The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”

I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up

me: how much is the funny smelling spray

clerk: perfume?

me: no the whole bottle

hate when dogs are anxious. you don’t even understand the concept of money

I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.