Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?

Me: Math

[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline

Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos

The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again

Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.

Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am

Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.

There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot

Costco ….

Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….

and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.

What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?

no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision

I thought Hogwarts was in Orlando and that’s why they have those accents.

Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
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D:
M:
D:
M:
D: tobacco
Me: No.

the battle rages on

Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.

Husband: We should go to Costco.

Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?

H: I said Costco, not Walmart.

Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*

Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss

Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.

[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah

My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.

His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?

I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.

We are the people our parents warned us about.

If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.

Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.

My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.

They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?

It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.

I have two selves:

One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.

To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …

Wife: WHERE IS THE PACK OF HERSHEY BARS I WAS GOING TO USE FOR S’MORES

Me [mouth full, face covered in chocolate]: we wer gunna haf smors?!