I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
You Might Also Like
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
It has been 3 years since Monday.
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
New Cartoon for Alta magazine
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”