Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like

Sweet. Free refrigerators!

Her: Who ate all the ice cream?

Me: *blaming the dog* Reese

Her: What? How?

Me: Witherspoon

QUESTIONNAIRE

Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] No

X

Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:

Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?

15: good

Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.

72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response

Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.

mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween

I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.

I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.

INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel

every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong

Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment

Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.

*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.

Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister

I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.

Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical

Me: Hey, do you want to –

My 13 Year Old: No.

JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt

ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it

Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears

I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.

Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread

Seal:

me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol

[later]

Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before

Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.

(Auditioning to be a bird)

*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*

DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.

[house hunting]

ME: I can see us settling down here

REALTOR: oh you have a family?

ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet

I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches

Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.

A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.