I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
You Might Also Like
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
No one comes off looking worse than the third party who was asked to interfere in a couple fight.
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
August 8
Please vote for people who are attractive
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
making my kids wear corduroy pants so they can’t sneak up on me