I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
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I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
Celebrated fall by going to the state fair and spending a mortgage payment on deep fried oreos and water.
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
“AI is coming for your jobs” I’d like to see AI send 5 emails a day and check their fantasy football lineups on and off for 8 hours
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
Corn Dogs: Uninserted
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess