I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
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Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
LinkedIn just texted me that people are looking at my profile. That feels ominous.
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.