I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
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There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
A couple I know went hiking for their 25th anniversary which sounded shady to me.
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
Mayor of a small town is such a wild job. It’s like being the president of a country where you went to high school with the whole population.
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”
[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
Right now somebody’s therapist is hearing about YOU
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.