I was up all night reading about insomnia
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I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
My therapist after every session
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
So, this is how my day is going. How about you?
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
I only use ‘sir’ disrespectfully.
My husband is out of town, but the cupboard doors are still open, so now I have to face some cold hard truths about myself
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.