I was up all night reading about insomnia
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Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
Fridgescaping- we stopped being able to afford to fill our fridge with groceries, so now we’re going to add some decorative yard sale finds to fill the void
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
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I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
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*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
My goal weight is getting a magician to saw me in half.
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.