Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.

When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.

one time in med school a doctor I was working with said he would only learn my name if I got all of his anatomy questions correct (???)

so I said I would only learn his name if he got all of my pokemon questions correct

running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way

ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth

“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED

PRO TIP:

Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you

Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?

doing your own taxes

I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.

Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.

“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag

Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?

Me: “The The Batman”?

“Well … I’ll be dammed.”

Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.

there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary

i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???

On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.

*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakable

Me: HAHA!

Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way

Me:

We’ve come full circle

Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.

That’s what I call a flat tire

Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them

The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work

My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.

so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset

a McRib killed my tapeworm

To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.

My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.

– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown

– making ice in trays

– doing housework

– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from

FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss

ME: damn right

[later]

ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim