I was up all night reading about insomnia
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BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
Just paid £200 for a train ticket. If the inspector doesn’t turn up, I’m going looking for him.
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
do not take me to an escape room. i was a c-section. someone is gonna have to come get me
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
One day my kids will move out and discover the dishes don’t clean themselves and I feel for them. I really do.
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.