Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.

ATM: just any 4 numbers.

Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist

Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”

Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.

*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance

“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”

-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning

Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.

Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked

Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours

I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?

Best misinterpreted text ever!

a house without a chimney should be called a nouse

people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.

You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…

Doughnuts never do that.

I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.

I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.

If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.

Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine

what happened to my ankles tonight mosquitologically can never happen again

Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.

[ first day as a villain ]

him: hi, how are you

me: very evil, thank you

I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble

#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..

me: dating is hard

me on a date: the platypus doesn’t have teats so they sweat milk

For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)

Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals

Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?

I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong

Kid at the reference desk said “How should I decide what job I want to do when I grow up?”
I said “Find out if it makes you work on Saturdays and if it does, don’t do that.”
“Is that important?”
“Right this second it’s literally the most important thing.”
#saturdaylibrarian

*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles

Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!

Me: Sucks for you…

Kid: What?

Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!