I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
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There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
Yesterday I wore something from 10 years ago that actually fit…It was a scarf but still
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
These are too funny not to post 😂
Billy Joel: We didn’t start the fire…
Smoky the Bear: No. Of course not. Nobody ever does. *rolls eyes*
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd