Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.

How do I like eggs?

Ummm…in a cake!

HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.

ME:

HER: Please stop imagining all those things.

ME: Ok.

My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.

“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”

My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:

“So do we have super glue?”

I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.

Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?

edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO

Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?

Her: Yeah, a little…

Me: I was talking to my mom!

Mom: No, I’m fine.

Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.

Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?

Me: sure!

Husband: any ideas?

Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?

Husband:

Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?

Husband:

Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?

Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”

My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.

Me waiting for the signs to change to “up to 75% off” at the Party City store that’s closing by our house.

If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.

When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.

Roombae.

So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like

Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏

Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink

Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?

Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*

[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?

Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey

Me: I am the smartest person alive!

Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.

Me:

Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?

Me: Revenge.

When you forget you’re at the restaurant.

Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.

I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”

I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.

My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..

Just blocked someone for correcting my spelling and it feelded great.

My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.

My husband: Get used to it kid.

Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.