Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[interview]

So what’s a personal strength?

“Honesty.”

And a failing?

“I murder people who don’t hire me.”

Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.

My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.

Questions my toddler asked me this week:

– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?

How about your kid?

Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant

I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend

Spice up your work day by drinking your coffee from a flask

No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?

When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.

I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco

[Me as a babysitter]

ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out

HER: My son is Robert

ME: We have 2 problems

My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.

Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off

They say college doesn’t prepare you for real life but it taught me how to get vomit out of practically anything and as a parent that’s literally my most valuable skill

This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….

Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”

I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely

Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…

[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]

And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!

wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now

My acting reel includes clips of me “listening” during Zoom meetings

Man: I love curvy women

Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite

Man: no, not like that

Me: So I’ll see you Friday?

Friend: I can’t wait!

Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT

It’s crazy people waste their time with hobbies and family when there are strangers on the internet who need to be argued with

I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing

Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags

I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make

Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?

Me: A BIKINI BODY

T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?

Just after I finish this beer.

Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*

After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.