Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.

12. I think about this all the damn time

I’m not saying I order from Amazon a lot, but I just received a wedding invitation from my delivery guy…

Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!

Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?

Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?

Me: I already know. There can be only 1

Him: That’s Highlander

Me: Come back when you have swords

I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.

Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.

Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.

Cop: you know why I pulled you over?

Me: You thought I was black?

Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir

my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”

[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?

*cop approaches me*

“have u seen this girl?”

*holds up photo*

“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”

*hi-5*

“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”

My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.

I just can’t think what this suitcase is the best thing since?

Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.

My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”

me: dinosaurs can’t talk

her: how do u know

me: they’re all dead, barb

Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.

I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab

and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”

Me: I won’t let anything control me!

My bladder: Lmao

I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.

My son can not believe he graduated from kindergarten & he still gotta go back to school😂😂😂he thought that shit was over

[Naming Days Meeting]

Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.

Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?

Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.

I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.

Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk

[being murdered]

me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?

I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”

I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.

I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults

My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?