Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: this could’ve been an email

[gets email]

me: no not like that

It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.

Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.

Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…

with flying colors…

I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.

[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”

Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning

Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.

centipede: *gets down on one knee*

girlfriend: omg

centipede: *puts down second knee*

girlfriend: uhm…okay

centipede: *puts down third knee*

girlfriend: please stop

3 AM

BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?

America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.

UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.

WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know

My stupid belt shrunk again today.

Her: My computer is running so slow!

Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?

Her:

Me: Is it less than 500?

Her: Never mind.

My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.

Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter

I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.

Gets drunk.

Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.

HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?

ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything

Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.

Feefiphobia.

Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.

One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.

Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus

pisses me off to see people assume justin timberlake “driving while intoxicated” = “drunk driving.” he might have been intoxicated by an aroma, a sound, an idea.

My doctor was so right about clear liquids giving me more energy. After 4 vodka martinis, I wanted to paint the house.

[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?

Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.

“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat

Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.

My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film

Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.