I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
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Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lyingCANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth
one thing I’ve learned as a toxicologist/ER doc is that, when unsupervised, toddlers transform into little geniuses that are hyperfixated on the following 4 goals:
-open pill bottles
-eat everything
-climb climb climb
-be extremely quiet
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
True
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
Coming out of the gym, taking a big drag on my protein cigarette
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.