Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

By age 35 you should:

-live in a cave on a mountain

-hate everyone

-try to destroy christmas at least once

-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails

I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware

Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.

I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”

“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”

*shakes tambourine*

“Got any others?”

*shakes tambourine*

“Sounds a lot like the last one”

Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying

Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.

Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.

Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?

I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?

He was looking for a job and then he found a job

Radiohead fans, this is for you.

#DidYouKnow?

As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣

The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo

They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.

washing hands before coronavirus:

– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off water

washing hands after coronavirus:

– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one

ME: it’s like a dream come true

UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen

pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.

I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.

I consider that false advertising.

I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.

11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.

Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?

11: …

I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…

this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route

Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M

Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.

How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8

“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag

All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion

DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.

I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.