I was very concerned with my Grandma today
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dead inside
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
I’ve never met a mistake that I couldn’t make mistakier.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them