Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.

The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.

Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?

Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.

Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here

Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.

What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go

i’m looking for a hotel to book up north at the end of the month and one of them listed “toilet paper” as an amenity. i hope “running water” is also included.

Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do

Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*

My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances

Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.

Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.

Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.

Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things

You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.

Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.

Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.

A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere

I’m ready for Halloween this year

Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?

Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.

Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.

omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse

I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game

A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.

I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular

I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.

God: you have terrible eyesight.

Bat: oh no.

God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.

Bat: sweet!

God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.

Bat:

God:

Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.

A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.

interviewer: what are your strengths?

me: I know where you live

My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis

I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.