Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.

kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.

HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?

ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?

HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?

ME: I love you.

Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.

Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.

whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese

Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.

Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.

I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.

When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.

I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for

Fact: If you bind together the receipts of things you buy in an airport, it makes a tiny book that tells the tragic story of how you have no money anymore.

You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.

Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter

Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then

My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”

Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.

Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.

Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.

KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices

Me: Does that include salt and pepper?

KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices

Be the change!!

*loosely falls to the floor*

*quarter spins*

I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”

I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.

My boss is having a colonoscopy today.

I sure hope they find his head.

Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.

“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”

– inventor of the bagpipe

I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?

The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.

*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*

Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!

Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter

Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts

Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren

Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?

Me: Because she agrees with me.

Also me, to me: Is he always like this?

Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.