Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?

One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.

a McRib killed my tapeworm

Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.

how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?

The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.

Apparently my superpower is being invisible.

Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line

-Japanese spelling bee

Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight

People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am

Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.

Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?

Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.

I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.

Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.

it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something

no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball

her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job

Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.

Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”

When I tell a joke that doesn’t land, I follow up with a worse one to make my audience realize how good they had it with the first joke.

I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.

my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow

me: yes

my mom today: do u work today

me: yes i already told u

my mom when i’m at work: where are u

Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now

Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs

Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”

If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.

I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.

[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers

{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet

The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.