I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
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The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
I don’t mind that you leave me a voicemail, but can you finish your sandwich first?
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”