I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
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I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
One building was torn down by a wrecking ball, another building was bulldozed. They were razed differently.
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
road rage
if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
Today is International “Hug Your Cat” day. Which means tomorrow is International “Band-aid and Neosporin” day.
“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
felt that
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
[Wine tasting]
Do you have anything in a 24 Pepsi?
— Benny 'Last Man' Rollins (@citizenkawala) December 14, 2024
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size