I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
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[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
Cult pretty laid back about my leaving.
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
Respect
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead